The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
