babies were throwing up all over the place
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
