I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
