I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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