You're a womanizer and a bitch.
well you can't waste a boner
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
