You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
