I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm both gender and math confused
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
