if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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