I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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