I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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