I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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