last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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