the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
