Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
