wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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