eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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