i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
