today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
