someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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