Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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