we're chasing vodka with high fives
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
