then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
