you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize