I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
