Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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