hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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