If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
