god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
