Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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