I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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