tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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