I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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