Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize