you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
