apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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