Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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