just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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