I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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