if you like me you must not know who I am
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
not ubering you a puppy
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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