dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
