Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
