apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dick very happy bro
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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