Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
