I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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