this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
