i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
