You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
