just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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