the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
