I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
