you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
