Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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