Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
