So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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