Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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