didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
