Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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