well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize