They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
