Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
